Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Dani-ism #63
Dani: "Better badge in or you'll be late."
Co-worker: "But I'm already late."
Dani: "That's what I'm sayin'!"
Co-worker: "But I'm already late."
Dani: "That's what I'm sayin'!"
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Dani-ism #53 (thank you anonymous contributor!)
"if I was a guy I would be hot over heels drooling, but I ain't"
Dani-ism #49 (thank you anonymous contributor!)
From an email to a female acquaintance: "I'll talk to you in more private areas"
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Dani-ism #48 (thank you anonymous contributor!)
"Give me all the badge numbers. Starting with the first one."
Dani-ism #45
"[she] must have double-dated it" (regarding the same date being put on two different papers)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Dani-ism #44 (thank you anonymous contributor!)
(regarding football) "I have never seen so many worst officiating in my life"
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Lie revealed!
So she told me in the beginning of our "relationship" (when things were "good") that I reminded her of her friend with Asperger syndrome. She told me this friend had died in a tragic car accident (there was a whole tear-jerker of a story). I came to find out today that this friend is alive and well.
Dani-ism #40
"that's a personal instinct of mine" (referring to wanting to see her grandmother before she dies)
Dani-ism #38
She was talking about how her mom's mother died when her mom was 21; immediately afterward she said, "Still to this day she's 51"
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Dani-ism #36
So we had a potluck at work, for which she volunteered to bring the "accessories" for hotdogs and hamburgers.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Dani-ism #29
A guy asks, "What are you doing with those tattoos on your arms?" To which she replies (with a laugh), "I got plenty more!"
Dani-ism #24
"The next person who doesn't sign off on their scedule, I'm turning them in. I've got news for you." (followed by a long pause and a new, unrelated topic)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Dani-ism #20
So there were three people in the office: Dani, me, and another officer. A fax confirmation is printed out of the fax machine. Dani asks who sent a fax. The other officer says he didn't, to which Dani says she doesn't have any idea who sent the fax.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Dani-ism #15
(in regards to a story someone was telling her) "So you're the son, right? Not your dad?"
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Dani-ism #7
We have a co-worker whose last name is Love. One of my former co-workers always called him Dr. Love. Well, she tried this out once and managed:
"Mr. Dr. Love"
"Mr. Dr. Love"
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Dani-ism #3
She was talking about an "incident" where she was doing her MP duty and pulling someone over who was speeding inside the base. The guy mouthed off to her partner and they pulled their weapons, demanding he step out of his vehicle, put his hands on his head, etc. She described this as:
"I was being all rhetorical"
"I was being all rhetorical"
Genesis
Security guards aren’t supposed to have
arch-nemeses. Apparently mine never got the memo.
She is no Wicked Witch of the West to my Dorothy Gale. She is no Wil Wheaton to my Sheldon Cooper. She is no Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes.
It began two and a half years ago, though I wasn't aware of it at the time. The first time we met, she was talking about ghost hunting and I thought I could have a new friend at work. We got to talking. I should have heard the Klaxon blaring its warning when she gave me a note saying I reminded her of her dead friend who had Asperger syndrome (a relatively mild form of autism).
She told me stories about the atrocities during her deployment to Afghanistan. She flaunted her MP work and told tales of the dastardly side of human nature. She coyly wove tales of her academic and athletic prowess. I drank it all in naively for I am no liar and never assume others to be without considerable cause.
I am a fly on the wall, all quiet and unassuming in my corner. Little did my future arch-nemesis realize that I heard her contradictory stories told to other co-workers. To one she said she would beat on muggers. To another she said she would be terrified. To yet others, she avoided the subject like the plague. Doubt began to creep in.
I asked once if she'd seen any camel spiders while in Afghanistan. She proceeded to tell me how she dealt with one, including discharging a firearm inside a military compound while on active duty. From then on, camel spiders were a staple of her Afghanistan recollections.
I have come to find she is nothing but lies and fakery. She is ignorant, something I can grudgingly forgive, but also astronomically stupid. I have since blocked out the trauma that led me to declaring we were never to speak unless it was about work. I can almost time the cycles of her forgetting (or maybe hoping I forgot) and having to be reminded. Every word that comes out of her putrid, vile brain makes me hate her more and oh does she talk. Silence and being deprived of constant praise and validation from others make her shrivel like a salted slug. She can talk for hours on the phone, torturing me with the worst half of the conversation.
I am absolutely convinced that she has stolen years of my life through high blood pressure and may even kill me by causing an aneurysm.
This blog will chronicle one aspect of the horror I and others must endure. Here I will record the vast supply of Dani-isms I have collected. They are utterly heinous mutilations of the art of communication and the English language.
Read them and weep for humanity.
She is no Wicked Witch of the West to my Dorothy Gale. She is no Wil Wheaton to my Sheldon Cooper. She is no Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes.
It began two and a half years ago, though I wasn't aware of it at the time. The first time we met, she was talking about ghost hunting and I thought I could have a new friend at work. We got to talking. I should have heard the Klaxon blaring its warning when she gave me a note saying I reminded her of her dead friend who had Asperger syndrome (a relatively mild form of autism).
She told me stories about the atrocities during her deployment to Afghanistan. She flaunted her MP work and told tales of the dastardly side of human nature. She coyly wove tales of her academic and athletic prowess. I drank it all in naively for I am no liar and never assume others to be without considerable cause.
I am a fly on the wall, all quiet and unassuming in my corner. Little did my future arch-nemesis realize that I heard her contradictory stories told to other co-workers. To one she said she would beat on muggers. To another she said she would be terrified. To yet others, she avoided the subject like the plague. Doubt began to creep in.
I asked once if she'd seen any camel spiders while in Afghanistan. She proceeded to tell me how she dealt with one, including discharging a firearm inside a military compound while on active duty. From then on, camel spiders were a staple of her Afghanistan recollections.
I have come to find she is nothing but lies and fakery. She is ignorant, something I can grudgingly forgive, but also astronomically stupid. I have since blocked out the trauma that led me to declaring we were never to speak unless it was about work. I can almost time the cycles of her forgetting (or maybe hoping I forgot) and having to be reminded. Every word that comes out of her putrid, vile brain makes me hate her more and oh does she talk. Silence and being deprived of constant praise and validation from others make her shrivel like a salted slug. She can talk for hours on the phone, torturing me with the worst half of the conversation.
I am absolutely convinced that she has stolen years of my life through high blood pressure and may even kill me by causing an aneurysm.
This blog will chronicle one aspect of the horror I and others must endure. Here I will record the vast supply of Dani-isms I have collected. They are utterly heinous mutilations of the art of communication and the English language.
Read them and weep for humanity.
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